dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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