At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
