He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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