shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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