um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
