No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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