Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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