I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
