So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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