First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
