stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
