my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
