You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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