if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
