My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
