i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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