i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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