a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Vodka?
Forever.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
