Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
