Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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