So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
