I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
