i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
