his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
