Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the liver wants what the liver wants
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
