I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize