You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize