I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
