so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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