No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
