i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
