make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
