i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
