Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize