I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
