God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
