She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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