did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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