at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We are all done wearing pants today
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
