i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
