I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
