I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize