So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
