My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
