Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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