Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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