im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
