you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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