I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got inside last night via doggy door
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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