my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
