His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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