i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Randomize
