Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
