I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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