My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
