Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
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