Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
