she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
